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Well, by the time you've finished reading this, spiders will be small talk compared to zombies.
Rule #1: Zombies are slow.
See one in the distance? RUN! See one stalking you? RUN! See one brandishing a hatchet and riding a unicycle towards you? In that case, laugh, cause it'll probably kill itself accidentally anyway. Don't worry about not being able to outrun them, because you can.
Rule #2: Zombies multiply.
Don't panic! I'm not here to explain to you how zombies make more of their kind (which can be interpreted whichever way you like XD), but if you see one zombie...there is definitely more in the area. So be on the lookout.
Rule #3: Zombies are dumb.
There's a big difference between you and a zombie. You've got a brain, and they don't (which is precisely why they're chasing you in the first place). Well? You weren't given that brain for nothing! Use your wit. Outsmart them. Do something smart like climb up an apple tree. Hey, you've got food weapons, and a shelter all in one! And I'll bet you zombies can't climb a tree to save their lives (XD).
Don't give me the whole "But they were once humans too!" scenario. You think they're gonna feel your sympathy? You think they're gonna feel the pain that you feel for them? You think they're going to stop going after you just because you pity them? Um, gurl, whatchu thinking?! Run, for god's sake! Don't try to reason with them, make friends with them, or hypnotise them.
Rule #5: If you become a zombie...
Well, it was inevitable. You've survived a couple of weeks, months, years maybe. And now, you're a zombie. Don't worry, now you can have some fun! Go chase those humans. Stagger around like a complete idiot. And remember, if there are plants standing in your way and attacking you on someone's lawn, EAT THEM.
99.9% guaranteed chance of survival if you follow this guide.
If you are in doubt that this amazing guide doesn't work, here is a quiz to see how long you would survive in a zombie apocalypse. But you're better off with my guide, just saying. //tosses hair//